“I thought I could make it.
I really thought I could make it.”
Closed, tired eyes,
Hand gripping mine.
One wrinkled, one smooth;
A testament to youth
Lost to love and life
And strife.
The path of one tear
Marks a looming, unknown fear.
The lack of a future
Is something brand new to her.
Her glazed, grey eyes
Travel to meet mine.
A gaze passing love
To the soul standing above.
A shared goodbye
After too little time.
With one hour to her birthday,
She had to fly away.
October 4, 2024 at 8:18 am
You captured a beautiful moment of one’s passing, especially the line where you mentioned “She had to fly away.” The contrasting imagery of two hands, “one wrinkled, one smooth”, and the brief mentioning of unreached time, “one hour to her birthday” all add depth and context to the poem.
As a person who enjoys writing poems, rhyming is perhaps one of my weaknesses, and I really like the rhymes you put in every line, because it creates rhythm, which is something I don’t have in my own poems.
Great job!
October 4, 2024 at 8:34 am
I love this so much! The last line is very powerful.
October 4, 2024 at 11:38 am
I really like this! It describes a feeling before death I think as best as you can. The rhyming is also really well done. I think the strongest stanza in the poem is:
The path of one tear
Marks a looming, unknown fear.
The lack of a future
Is something brand new to her.
All in all good job!